| Breakdown of Sorts |
|
|
| 08:46am 15/03/2007 |
| |
mood:  discontent
|
I'm starting to withdraw myself from people. I am so fucking exhausted and tired. I never fucking pick up my phone anymore. I was hanging out with Dan like everyday but he's just pissing me off so much lately. I want to strangle him. Its sad when someone can only be around you when they're high. Thats him I guess. He can't do shit without being high but all at the same time he does nothing while high. I just fucking hate him right now. I can't say I love you to him or anyone. I have become just like brandon I'm like yeah sure I love you not... I can't even say I love you I just don't feel it my mind and body has become so empty inside everything is so empty. I can't even really cry and when I do cry its when I'm fighting with someone I hate it. Even than I can't cry too much. I want to fucking beat the shit out of dan all the time he puts me in such bad moods. Sometimes i just want him to fucking die and other times I want to be with him again. God dammit. Well I gained a hell of a lot of weight and its pissing me off that I did. I want to be skinny again. I want to be small. I want to make myself feel better. I want to be something to myself instead of nothing at all. Anyway. I am dead inside I am nothing but a walking corpse. Thank you very much I guess I've become a true gawthik hahahahahah fuckers. All I want to do is sleep its pissing me off. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| 146 or 142 |
|
|
| 08:44am 05/03/2007 |
| |
Don't know what weight I weigh exactly but my goal is to get down to 130 by end of april 30.
So 8 weeks from now. Until than I am going to save money to get a car and save money to buy new clothes when I lose the weight. I started birth control so thats going to help me to lose the weight. I remember when I started that shit that I couldn't eat for awhile and I got humungo boobs. So please lets hope it does the same again. Maybe I'll just have to go back on ortho tri cyclen but this shit i won't have my period only 3 times a year. So that will be nice. Oooo Nine Inch Nails. I'm blah right now. I saw dan this weekend spent the whole weekend someone said that he said all he wanted to do was do tweak and than fuck me. I don't knwo what to believe I mean it is kenny saying that shit. i DON'T KNOW i'm losing my mind.
sw146
gw130
nl 16 pounds to lose |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| What am I supposed to say to this |
|
|
| 08:37am 28/02/2007 |
| |
All I do is take pills and do anything I can to get fucked up. I am definetely coma white now I guess...
I snorted white pony on sunday at the church and the day before I did too...
Well yesterday after school Dan drove by like 50 times he stopped and we talked I gave him my number it was all the same bullshit. Although i did kiss him it was the same but different. He's just I don't know I still love him so much and it kills me everyday. I must be fucked up everyday just to try and forget it but it only makes it worse and thats what they've always said would happen...
I don't know I'm fucking tired and exhausted from everything. I just want to die right about now. I wouldn't mind. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| 40 day plan |
|
|
| 08:39am 23/02/2007 |
| |
So i'm going on a 40 day plan to lose 10 pounds.
I'm only eating once a day and drinking tons of water.
I can't eat at boston market which is where I work.
I made this promse partly because of that catholic thing called lint
my bet is that if i don't do this i have to give my friend 10 dollars and accept jesus and i'm not about to accept jesus into my life and i'm not about to give up 10 dollars. so go me i'm gonna do it and i'm also going to look for some diet pills called clyaris? where do i find them? hmmmm i must search for a good appetite suppressant. alright
have a wonderful day i'm not eating so fuck ya'll. well one meal god i hate this shit. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Losing Weight |
|
|
| 08:47am 21/02/2007 |
| |
mood:  high
|
Once again, I can't just give up on trying to lose weight. I want to be skinny like my friend Emily she is only 120 pounds and thats where I want to be. I gained so much fucking weight I am now at 147!!! I must lose weight now. I am going to slow down on eating and I cannot eat at Boston Market and if I do it should be salad with no chicken in it and just a little dressing! I am trying to eat little snacks here and there just so I can keep my energy but not overeat to the point where I feel fat. I can't binge anymore on shit. When I get more money I'm going to start going to whole foods or a little healthy food shop to get food and I'm going to get a little mini fridge for my room! So my parents won't take my shit those fat asses! I'm sick of feeling fat! I'm doing more to lose weight now I can't give up on this. I know I won't have much energy for awhile cause I've done this before, but since I know i've done this before I must not give up now. I want to fit in a size 5 by may around my graduation. So I have 25 pounds. JEESH seems like so much but I think I can do it. I mean even if I just got to 125 as long as I could maintain that I would be so much happier with myself, I know I would. I'm just sick of seeing all these hella skinny girls and guys just being like oh blah blah blah you should look like her or all my friends that i make getting the guys i like even though they don't like them just cause they're so fucking skinny. dammit I hate this feeling so ugly all the time. I just want to be sexy. I guess I just want to be loved AND love myself. I don't know I just feel so unhappy with myself and so fat all the time they say I have some form of body dismorphic disorder but they can shove their medical bullshit up their ass. I don't know...
I really hope I didn't fuck up any kind of friendship between emily and i cause i think she is such a cool girl and last night at brandons we got fucked up and fucked eachother she has the kind of body i want. the kind of body i'm yearning for she is my thinspiration. hell yes i love it. i like her but i'm not going out with anyone. but if i were to go out with someone maybe even go out with a girl it would be her.
i'm not stoned i'm high on percs.... i love percs. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| I give up. |
|
|
| 08:50am 20/02/2007 |
| |
I give up on a lot of shit.
Losing weight
trying to be beautiful
I'm just going to let the way shit happens happen
I'm just really fucking depressed.
fuck off.
leave me alone.
i hide it all with drugs and drinking.
thanks a lot dan thank you a fuckign lot.
you fucking reuined me
now i can't have anyone in my life, but the ones taht get me fucked up. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| yeup |
|
|
| 08:47am 20/02/2007 |
| |
“Wisdom consists not so much in knowing what to do in the ultimate as knowing what to do next.” |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Losing Weight |
|
|
| 09:15am 16/02/2007 |
| |
Well working at Boston Market has killed me. I weigh about 145 now and its bothering me so bad. I have a friend emily who is annorexic and I want her to help me get through this fast. I couldn't do it last night. I think I'm just obsessed with food and it sucks ass. I want to lose about... 25 pounds. I want to be 120 something I haven't been since about 8th or 9th grade. I'm going to go on the ethiopian diet. Well mostly I'm just not gonna eat and if I do its going to be veggies and some meat. I think I'm gonna buy some tea and a bunch of energy drinks well and a thing to bring to school for the hot tea. I need energy if I'm not gonna eat and something to fill my stomach for awhile. I just want to be really thin again. I've always wanted hip bones so thats something I'm aiming for so yeah. After I eat though I look at myself in disgust and just feel like shit. So today no eating AT ALL!!! Just a couple bites of whatever you may get and thats it. If you eat at boston market than just the green beans and no more over eating. I don't want to be fat ever!!! Especially since I'm trying to look skinny and hot as fuck. I don't want Dan to see me and me be all fat and shit. I want him to be like dammit why did I lose her!!! Well I know he's like that anyway but even more. Cause all of his other ex girlfriends have become fat. I have so much energy now from drinking a tall boy amp'd energy drink! Wooo I'm so blah right now!
Oh btw I got my paycheck today after this paycheck of saving 100 or however much money I can save I must just take out only 100. Money for my phone bill and for the couple weeks. other than that no money taken out. No buying food thats where i was getting at with this. I want to save money to buy clothes for when I lose some of the weight I will lose!!! Must do crash diets!!
I love when I don't eat and I feel the water run down to my stomach I don't know why but that feels soooo good to me.
Alright well I'm out for right now probably be back in a little bit. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| When it rain it pours. |
|
|
| 09:06am 16/02/2007 |
| |
Well, what do I say. I'm at a standstill once again in life. I find myself in this position a lot. I can't take it anymore. All I do is go to school and work CONSTANTLY! I got my paycheck it was only 330. I'm kinda mad about that but ya know its better than nothing.
I'm mad also because I've been wasting my time on a bullshit computer class at school for health. I find out yesterday that I'm not even getting credit for it cause its all bullshit! So now I have to start a different health class so I'm gonna be in school longer than I thought!
I just want to work for right now and thats it! All the people at work though are pissing me off, cause well they're those retarded teenagers who like to start bullshit and gossip and talk major shit when they know you can hear and than deny it right away. I'm pissed off about that I want to fucking choke them sometimes but I stop myself!
Anywho, so that one kid Josh I like here at William Smith... Well right now I'm trying to just ignore him to see what happens. He came up to me today and kinda sat by me for a little bit and than left after a bit, so I think I'm gonna keep ignoring him and staying away just to fuck with his head. Ya know do the girl thing that we're supposed to do, I'm trying to figure out how to play hard to get I've never done it before so I must learn...
I'm just in a whirlwind of emotions lately.
by the way I look atrocious today.
i'm trying to be on the ethiopian diet. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Pay Schedule. |
|
|
| 08:33am 30/01/2007 |
| |
Making 7 dollars first two weeks at 6 hours for five days.
Making 9 dollars rest of time at 6 hours for five days.
First two weeks-420-42
Second two weeks-540-54
Third two weeks-540-54
Fourth two weeks-540-54
Total=2040
Subtraction Total=1836
In 8 weeks should have about 1800 in the bank.
Will have about 204 spending money by than. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Miss Toxic Shock in hell. |
|
|
| 08:18am 30/01/2007 |
| |
mood:  apathetic
|
My Horoscope for today for the single life.
Hmm -- you're just not as extroverted as usual. Take the time and attention you need for yourself. Others may find you a bit remote, but it'll only make them want to get a closer look.
Life is definetely a fucking game that I'm almost sick of playing. I feel like crying but I can't. I miss Daniel horribly, BUT at the same time I'm so glad we're over. I can fuck around with guys and do my own thing. I'm just so afraid I wont find anyone that I'll be happy with for the rest of my life. I think I'll just be that person who's always single or always has a new boyfriend every week cause I can't fall in love with people. The percocet is making me feel like shit now and I feel so depressed and lost and out of it. I just want something to live for. The only thing I live for is my kitty kat Sabbath and my other kitty kats and to prove everyone who thought I wouldn't make it wrong. I start work today at Boston Market. I'm so nervous but I shouldn't be because of those fucking illegal immigrants can work there I can. They will never make it as manager like I will though. I am going to be the manager in 2 weeks. I'm fucking scared as hell. I don't know what to do. I'm scared I'm gonna fuck something up. But I know I can't make friends with any of the people and I don't want to either. I hate them there already haha. I'm just a weird girl like that. I don't know I'm just really feeling that feeling of loneliness and horrible suicidal thoughts and blah.
Well I'm taking Ian to the dance on February 10th. I also have a valentines his name is Josh he's so fucking hott. Haha. I don't know why just blah. He reminds me of Eric though and that kind of scares me. I know I can't be in an another relationship though so for right now its fun to fuck around with boys and not give a shit. I'm a bad girl aren't I hmmm. haha. I'll probably end up fucking Josh. I dont' give a shit if he's a good fuck than hell yeah man. haha. whatever. omg. haha. NOT! anyway. i'm listening to wednesday 13 and i sit here and realize no wonder dan listens to these guys and icp becuase every song explains him no wonder he can "relate" so well. fuck n a. I miss him I need to shutup...
Work is gonna be a bitch cause i have school from 8-2 and than work from 3-930 and I'm scared that i'm gonna start slacking but I know its what I gotta do and I gotta get my shit done. I'm gonna start looking at cars cause well I have been calculating my income and I'll put that on a different blog and shit. So yeah. I'm gonna have no time to myself anymore damn shit cock I'm gonna be a bitchy ass girl for awhile. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Baby your dream wasn't me. |
|
|
| 09:15am 28/01/2007 |
| |
mood: crushed
|
Dan was a piece of shit lieing fucking cunt. Now I fucking hate him but I still love him and can't stop thinking about him. His house burnt down the morning of his birthday and than he got arrested that night when we went to motel 6. Of course he had to blame it on me. Because he blamed everything on me. He was always like that and I fucking hate him for that he ruined me now I hate everyone and I don't know if I can have a good relationship for a long time. My mind is too fucked up and I'm afraid that anyone I get in a relationship with will lie to me cheat on me talk shit about me and betray me with everything. When he got out of jail he got his shit and I went to go stay with him for one last time we stayed at a fucking crackhouse it was gay. He touched some bitches crotch when she was naked while we were fucking and than he of course said oh look i'm taller than someone to rub it in my face he acts so fucking stupid when he's drunk I hate him he's so fucking ugly to me now that if I see him I will puke my fucking guts out and probably convulse and die. His face makes me want to scratch it off and I can't take it anymore I don't want to miss all the good times we had and I know that he could give a shit about me right now everything he said was a lie he didn't really love me. He loved kym but he always wanted her back more. He always loved her more. and I was his escape I was his cure for loneliness. Liek I really dont' care if he were to die I want him to die a horrible death. I want him to get cancer and hemmorage and foam at the mouth and die die die!
I just want to move on already but I can't seem to. I like someone here at school but know that I'll fuck it up so I don't know if I want to pursue it. hmm.... fuck it. young relationships are fucking gay as hell. just fuck people i guess....
I thought it was going to last with Dan and I I thought we were going to get married but what FUCKING JOKE that was. He killed me and didn't give a shit...
I always feel like he's singing this to me..
Take your breath
I rob you of your life
Oh how I love to see you cry
I'm your nightmare in shinning armor
Bringing horror
Your screams can't penetrate my insecurities
My heart stopped beating
When you first said that you loved me
And now I hold you close to me
But I still don't feel a thing
You're so cold and blue
And now I must forget you
Some things are worth dying for
And baby that ain't me
I'm sorry that you couldn't escape
This curse of me
Tonight I hold you one more time
With the stench of formaldehyde
You're my darkest secret
And in my crawl space is where I'll keep it
Your hopes and dreams
Won't ever see the light of day
I took your beauty, your purity
And locked it all away
And now I hold you close to me
But I still don't feel a thing
You're so cold and blue
And now I must forget you
Some things are worth dying for
And baby that ain't me
I'm sorry that you couldn't escape
This curse of me
This curse of me
This curse
This curse of me
i'm scarred for life and i can't take it all i do is hate and it hurts... i want to love someone and i want to be happy. but i can't... he ruined all of this for me... or am i letting him do this i don't fucking know kill me someone kill me....
i want to cry but i'm so emotionless.. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh |
|
|
| 05:37pm 13/09/2006 |
| |
I don't really know what to write or think about right now. I'm kind of at a stand still in my head right now. I can't stop thinking about how I want to lose weight and how these stupid steroids they put me on for what happened are making me swell up like i'm a balloon and i feel disgusting. I wish I were skinny but I know anorexia is a horrible way cause I used to be... anorexic/bulimic. It only makes you disgusting okay for awhile it made me beautiful but that only lasts temporarily. You start noticing more shit and than you get permanent bags under your eyes and god i look horrid now it doesn't matter.
Well I'm tired and I'm going to go freak out about the weight I've gained so uh.... goodnight or whatever. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| The past summer and so much more. |
|
|
| 12:21pm 13/09/2006 |
| |
mood:  sick
|
Well its been awhile. The last time I was on here I was talking about an old friend Dani that I thought was a sex pig cause of all the shit I heard about him. When in fact he is not. We are actually together. I love him dearly and theres been so much shit going on lately I don't even nknow where to start.
We ended up getting together at a party at his cousin's house. Dan was flirting with this one girl I got jealous then that night he called me and I told him how much I had liked him for four years. Thinking it would ruin his and I's friendship... well it didn't. We plan to get married someday but thats only if he gets his shit together. I have found out a lot of shit about him and him about me. This is probably the strongest relationship I've ever had... next to Jonny and I's. I just hope it never ends and if it does end bad like both of dan and i's ex's.
Dan was addicted to Percocets when we first got together. It got to the point where he couldn't go a day without 5 then 20... He ended up getting arrested for having htem on him and then they said he forged a prescription... Which in fact he didn't a friend did. I have worked with him through his addiction he went to rehab for a little bit he has gone a month and a half without a percocet... wow i'm really proud of him.
I lived with Dan and his Dad for like 3 months it was a living hell his dad is fucking psychotic... He tried fingering me and said that he fucked me to Dan... He talked about me in the most degrading ways and he has called me every name in the book... I hate his dad and his dad hates me. There was way too much stress in that house to even go into detail about it for right now I'd rather have it stuck in my head trying to escape than write about it for the whole world to know exactly what happened in that house.
I stay with Dan because I know its not his fault. His dad is fucking psychotic and makes him believe he is psychotic. Dan honestly doesn't have that much wrong with him... He just can't function as well as most people its just taking him a little more time than most to get his life together and nothing is wrong with that.
I also am trying to get my shit together I ended up escaping that fuckin house some of my stuff is still there and it kills me cause I can't get it cause his dad won't let me have my stuff... Which is gay... I'm so fucking pissed about that. Also, my mother and dre moved into a house and thats where I live I go to school now. I'm trying to find a job but the recent events that have happened are slowing down my life a little.
I got pneumonia and someone laced my weed with crack and aspestis. I was int he hospital for a few days and my oxygen was at 83. I was on oxygen for 4 or 5 days and now I'm out I can never smoke a ciggarrette again and that sucks really bad. I just want a job and get my shit together but not being able to breath all the time is killing that very slowly. I almost died last week and although it seems like a whatever yeah right it really almost happened. I'm a lot nicer to my mom now because all of this happened. I don't act up as much as I used to and well... I'm just not as stupid as I was but I'm still stupid. It just sucks knowing what happened with my weed I will have problems with trust even more for the rest of my life. I have permanent damage to my lungs and if I'm even around my favorite smokes my lung could collapse and I could die. Wow. How could someone ruin someones life like that?
I'm depressed. Thats about it.
Dan has court on Friday and that determines the whereabouts of his and I's relationship. I will freak out if he goes to jail.... and I lose him forever... Wow. I'm just scared and he tells me not to be but its hard not to.
Well things are what they are and I just have to let things subside for right now. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Depression Angst and Society |
|
|
| 08:00am 07/04/2006 |
| |
mood:  content
|
Well, I broke up with Eric because I couldn't stand his bullshit anymore. It was just getting to be too much and well we talked about the possibility of getting together and the thing was another reason why I broke it off was because him and I need to get our shit together and he tells me that he doesn't know if he can wait a month... So I guess that is just completely out of questioning. If he loved me I would think he would be willing to wait 6 months. Ya know? Who knows... I'm just confused on what I want and what I need. I know that I probably can't go back to Eric because he makes me feel like shit about myself and just remembering the shit he's said to me and done to me steers me clear of him. I did some fucked up things but ya know he kinda deserved it. I treated him so good and I always just got shit back having to ask for a thank you all the time. What kind of bullshit is that? So whatever I'm sure I'll rant a lot about this later... or hopefully I'll just forget about him. Ha yeah right like I'll do that...
Anywho so I guess I just have to be alone for awhile. As much as I hate it. I have to be. Theres no other way I'm going to get through this bullshit. I just have to be alone focus on school and my job. I'll make it through.... I think. I'm just so alone again and it kills. But Dani said last night.... everyone has to so you're not alone. I was like AWESOME. Well, I can't wait til everything really slaps Eric in the face. Like oh shit she's not coming back and oh shit my life is ruined haha. bastard. you ruined my life fuck you. I'm only like this cause I'm so mad and sad about it. Someone smells like literal shit over here. Anywho, I really don't know what to talk about.
I'm just really depressed and I'm trying not to show it and or waste energy on something I can't change. Because if Eric wants to be like this why should I dwell over it.... *sigh* I hate my life. haha it was funny though yesterday jonny took me to work and well we dropped some shit off at Eric's and he pulled up and I got out of the car and then out of nowhere they backed up again... so I called when they sped off and I was like what was that... and he was like i thought you were gonna have jonny kick my ass... im like omg are you fucking serious give me a break. like i would be that fucked up to do that to him when duh I love him and would want to have him again. but I guess its just not possible. fuck that. if he's gonna be all scared like that and not trust that i wouldn't do shit like that. Omg. people are pathetic and I feel like I'll never find someone I can really trust and be with who wont fuck me over or end up being a total dick to me. I guess I'll just be a lesbian ahha fat chance!
Well now I guess I have to focus on what the fuck I want in my life and thats all I must do with this time which is life. I need a to do a lot of shit to reach any of my goals and or to have goals.So I will have to figure them out and completely work on them and make a time for everything that I want to do and get the god damn motivation and actually do it!
It's so nice to know I'll be making my own money soon... Yay! and hum... I miss Eric... but I know that I need to stop because he's never gonna be nice to me.... he'll always end up being mean to me. so fuck him dammit i love him...
anywho I must be off. oh and uh in the next few months when I'm ready for a relationship if Dani seems to be showing more interest than he has I think I could try something with him but its doubtful..... cause he's kind of a sex pig... hahah. but dani makes me really happy.
oooooOOOoooo and pitts is coming to town soon! yay. APRIL 10TH! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| A New Beginning |
|
|
| 08:43am 20/03/2006 |
| |
Some say you only have one life to live, I believe you have many lives in one lifetime. So many things you discover each day and find out about yourself that you never knew were there.
Eric and I had broken up. He needed time to think we got back together like a week later. He spent the night both nights this past weekend and he showed me so much about myself that I never thought I could ever figure out. I had a complete mental breakdown in front of him and freaked out. I'm sure he was pissed but he stayed there and calmed me through it. I couldn't help but freak out over everything and scream and scratch myself and cry. I had never had anyone there to experience me like that. Okay thats a lie, there was Jonny, but it was over other stupid shit and he just sat there and didn't care. Didn't try to calm me. I guess you could say he was dead inside just like me. In some way we're all dead inside and Jonny thinks he's got this God thing keeping him alive when really he will be more dead than I will ever be.
But anyway, Eric had figured out a lot over the week and I was kinda jealous that I never really thought about anything before and you know what I thought when I would mope around and shit it was thinking about it. Yeah I was thinking but I wasn't changing anything it was the same shit everyday. Always dwelling everything and never thinking what I was gonna do with my life never changing my attitude towards anything. I mean I still don't know, but I do know how I got the way I did. Maybe not everything but a lot of my life I've lived subconciously through my dad. My dad controls me with everything. All the stuff he said when I was little and everything else. And even my mother is to blame I see things that they did or do or said that I did or do or said. It's strange how things like that work. I want to change my history and patterns and ways of life. Though I don't know how I'm going to do it... somehow I have to. I can overcome all this bullshit thats been thrown on me.
The thing is I really don't know how to move on from the past. I don't know what to do when things leave me. I never get over things they always stick inside my head. I think that is why I am so revengeful and I will do anything in my power to keep someone around.
I will finish this later. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| ahhhhh i lost weight again! |
|
|
| 09:52am 14/03/2006 |
| |
mood: amused
|
I'm down to 138 this is amazing!
I was 144 now I'm 138!
I only have 18 pounds to lose I believe! yay! haha
sorry its exciting! |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Still Trying, Opening up, Losing myself |
|
|
| 10:26am 08/03/2006 |
| |
mood: apathetic
|
Oh my God! My fucking cramps hurt so bad. I think I need to stop having so much sex. Haha, just kidding. My cramps hurt so bad though I want to kill someone. My addiction this week has been ibuprofen. I actually didn't get high yesterday, amazing. That's all I do now, so wow. haha.
Anywho, so I'm in class and from time to time I'm gonna write FUCK due to the pain in my uterus. So yes, Eric and I seem to be working things out, I am proud of us. We fought and he broke up with me and like the next day we started going out again. I saw him the next day and when we hugged it was so great. I think I'm going to try and give him more space though. I don't want it to be like it used to where we would see each other everyday and do the same exact thing everyday. We pretty much lived together. I want it to slow down and have us look at it and see if its worth it all. It's gonna be hard to tell him no a lot of the time, but I know he needs his space. We both can't handle too much attention all at one time no matter how much we want it that way.
Last night we hung out with becca and went to the pool hall. We saw little tony there. We played pool, I suck at pool. Then afterwards Eric and I went to my house. He was just going to stay til 3 in the morning, but ended up staying all night because the Alarm clock was not heard. I had to force him to get up for school and he went. Though last night I opened up about my dad to Eric. I cried a lot and it was the first time I had really opened up about my feelings about my dad. I didn't know I could trust Eric that much. It feels pretty good. At the same time though he gets really annoying really fast. I think it could also be my period wrecking me right now. I just don't want to be touched or look at anyone or be around anyone. I think I'm going to go home and sleep for the rest of the night tonight.
I gained a pound so I'm back up to 140. Damnit. I did so much walking yesterday though and I only ate a couple things. I know it was because it was fast food. Dammit. I am restricted from eating today. And if I do it has to be vegetables and just all healthy. I am just going to smoke a ciggarette when I start to get hungry. But that is like the unhealthiest thing ever. I just need to find a distraction to my eating. I need to find something that will help me lose the weight I want to. Now I have to lose 15-20 pounds. I don't know which yet. I guess whatever one I'm happiest with.
I am on 1600 mg of ibuprofen right now. I kinda hate and love the way it makes me feel.
Well, anywho. Lately, I've been getting those lost feelings, like I don't know who the fuck I am. I'm just a black hole inside myself I'm just so empty with everything. I want to be happy and maybe I really should start taking my meds. Maybe it would help but I'm really afraid of what will happen if I drink on my pills or if I smoke. I'm just afraid of the interference. So I guess in a way thats showing I don't really care that much, yet I do. This is not me. Who am I?
.I am lost. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| I lost weight! |
|
|
| 11:24am 07/03/2006 |
| |
Well my boyfriend and I we had some misunderstandings and we broke up but now we are just on a break which makes me happy because I can't imagine losing him. I love him so much. I wonder if he really knows.
Anywho so since all of that happened I was so stressed I lost like 5 pounds. I am so proud of myself. I was at 144 and now I'm at 139. I'm doing good. I just need to lose 14 pounds. I need to lose more than that but I think thats my goal. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Government Hypocrisy |
|
|
| 11:16am 03/03/2006 |
| |
mood: sick
|
We live in a nation where things are supposed to be kept confidential. Where even if you are with someone who is going through some trying times you are entitled to your own privacy, right? Well Eric is on probation for 2 years. He has to see a family therapist who checks up on him and everything he does. The therapist came over yesterday and I attend some of his sessions seeing as I see him everyday, I would know a lot of what he does. So I talked to the therapist and she told me she looked through my fucking high school attendance. Where in the hell did she get the idea it would be okay to do that? Yes, I am with Eric but it is completely illegal to check someone's records without permission. I am pretty pissed off still, but Eric begged me not to do anything about it because if I did it would mean he's putting stress on my life. Well guess what eric no matter how you try to escape it you are putting some stress on my life. I should'nt have to be punished due to something you did when I didn't even know you. I want to bash her fucking head in the wall and ask her what the fuck was she thinking?! Anywho.
So I went to Eric's brothers play last night. I was completely jealous again of Overland and how great it would have been to go there. I hate it here at Rangeview I always have. There is no possible way to make friends here. They are all wannabe scumbags who don't know what they want in life but to be popular and facist fake as bastards. I have never really had a friend that goes here. The only one I did was Claire and well Jonny, but Jonny and I don't talk anymore. I was also completely jealous because their theatre is way better than ours. But I did see some people I hadn't seen in ages. I saw Cynthia I recognized her when she was on stage. I saw Stephanie the little black girl from Dance Discovery, I saw my fucking dad... I hate my dad so much and this leads on to the next thing...
So I saw my dad last night with his girlfriend they were going to see their son. Ha, my dad with a son, what he always wanted, right? Well everytime I talked to him I couldn't stand it. We talked I told him I had a play coming up and of course he says well your mom is going to be there. He's like I'm not making excuses that is a fucking excuse right there you dumbshit. I told my dad its hard when he's made him self pretty much dead to me. I really wanted to say you're dead to me, but whatever. I'm just glad I said it in front of his girlfriend, cause maybe she will know now. Maybe she will see all he is going to do is hurt him that fucking bastard. He can't even see his REAL daughter. What a fucking asshole. He always made so many excuses and now with his new family he can go everywhere with them. I need to move on, I need to get over him. I guess thats what I really need to talk about, its really what I've been hiding. I was happy because Eric's mom hugged my for awhile and told me to get over it and that her dad had left to and lives with a new family. That made me feel so great, that I wasn't the only one and that it had even happened to my own boyfriend's mom. I cried for awhile while she comforted me and then Eric came to see me, he helped me calm down just like he did with his therapist situation. I figured we would have argued about that but we just talked it through. I have so much hope in me and Eric. Anywho, so my dads a jerk and I guess I should talk about it more and let it out to move on. I let everyone in my past control me. I hate it.
I also met Eric's grandparents awe they're so cute and his grandmother thinks I'M PRETTY! haha. Most grandparents hate me. Well anywho. I don't know what else to write about. It's all blank to me right now.
We are doing a project in health class. We have a few different subjects to choose from. One of them is "self mutilation". I can't believe the close mindedness of people in that class. They were saying so much that I was getting offended by, but I shouldn't let it get to me. I should just feel sorry that they don't know what its like to deal with problems or actually not be able to deal with them. They just don't know what a real problem is besides losing a fendi purse or whatever.
I am friends with Eric's ex now. How weird is that. We decided we should hang out. It's pretty crazy. Who would have thought.
I had something on my mind but I forgot. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
alexas_demise's journal